A poem about local government finance

Local councillors are hounded,
when school projects go unfunded,

But they will never meet demand,
For they don't really understand,

The extensive nomenclature,
Of capital expenditure.

Borrowing puts debt in front of you,
And it will come out of your revenue,

And raising council tax im hearing,
Could lead to extensive gearing.

Valley of the dead houseplants

Ever since I decided to take up the art of cycling (2 days ago) the skilful balancing act required to take get my keys out while preventing my shins from being skinned by a 15 year old bike pedal has meant it’s taken me a little longer to get back into my house every day.

This extra few seconds of doorstep time has given me the opportunity to examine my window sill. On which I counted at least seven dead plants, as well as a brand new sapling Chilli plant looking ominously out of place in the botanical mass-grave that welcomed visitors to our home. It was a bit like serial killer’s most recent prisoner sitting terrified in his cage amongst the bones of pervious victims.

At first I felt guilty; that mine and my housemate’s inability to care for flora made us bad people and worse than that, typical students.

But then I began to think about how unbelievably difficult it actually is to take care of a plant. According to everyone I asked (one person but she’s a) a girl b)a girl aged over 25 and c)has at least two plants, neither of which has died in over a month) these are the rules of plant maintenance:

1) Water your plant regularly or it will die

2) But don’t water your plant every day or it will die

3) Or every other day or it might die

4) But don’t leave it too long or it will die

5) You can’t tell when your plant needs water by looking at it as if you can tell by looking at it then it’s probably too late and its going to die

6) Don’t water your plant with too much water or it will die

7) Don’t leave it where it’s too sunny or it will die

8) But don’t leave it out of the sun or it will die.

What the bloody hell? Actual real live babies are easier to take care of than that. I mean granted with babies the stakes are a lot higher and they don’t provide as much oxygen, but at least they cry when they need something, and I bet even babies look pretty peaky long before things get really bad.

So there you go. Don’t get a Peace lily or a Swiss Cheese Plant, get a baby instead.

Barack Obama has a pop at the mentally disabled

Barack Obama's 'Special Olympics' gaff on Jay Leno was pretty shocking. Not just because the joke in which he compared his sub par bowling skills to someone with mental disabilities was incredibly offensive, but because I honestly thought that the man was gaff-proof.

The revelation that he's actually fallable and as capable of making entirely tactless remarks as us mere mortals may have a profound effect on the world. Does this mean that he's not perfect, and that he might not save us all from financial oblivion?

Kilimanjaro - The Big Red Nose Whinge (but its good 'cos its for charity)

Just watching the video documentary of the Big Red Nose climb of Kilimanjaro which captures the epic and saintly adventure embarked upon by some of Britain’s most charisma starved celebrities (excluding Sir Gary of Barlow of course).

The money they've raised is brilliant but this program is nothing but the likes of Fern Cotton and Alesha What’s-her-whozits constantly whining to the camera about how difficult it all is and how much their bums hurt. Although they do pause briefly to spout out some sanctimonious and sometimes plain angry rhetoric about what lucky ungrateful bastards we all are back here in Blighty; with our NHS and our Nike Air Max or whatever. According to Alesha she sometimes gets so angry at her decadent ways she often has stop climbing the mountain and slap herself in the face right then and there.

Aside from the whinging and self/people at home-loathing there's a good dose of chummy celebrity back slapping and hilarious banter to while away this program that could never have not been made, but all the while feels tediously pointless.

I love comic relief and it does a lot of good while entertaining us all. But without wanting to belittle the achievement of the good it will do, I think Kilimanjaro might feel a little more at home if it had aligned itself with Comic Relief's sportier but less hilarious younger brother.

Is anyone else slightly disturbed by the way the conflict in Gaza has transformed into some weird post-modern tale about the plight of journalists in the Middle East.

I'd almost forgotten that there were thousands dead and even more homeless in the streets of Gaza because I found myself so worried about poor old Jonathon Rugman, Channel Four’s Middle East correspondent, forced to survive on scraps of information provided by the Journalistic Aid Agency, Reuters.

Who cares that Israel’s media restictions meant the BBC and Channel Four weren’t allowed to convey the real human interest stories, John Snow’s Unseen Gaza presented a tale of journalistic woe was enough to make even the most hardened OFCOM regulator weep and showed us the true cost of Israel’s actions.

Mr favourite part was the interview with Jeremy Bowen.
I can’t remember exactly how it started but I’m pretty sure the voiceover began:
‘This is Jeremy. He’s been living in a hotel on the streets of Jerusalem for two weeks now.’

As poor Jez complained of Reuter’s unwillingness to really dig around looking for a sob story, he told of what he would have done with the story, covered by the American news agency, of a father saying goodbye to his dying son.

‘I would have followed the man, found out his name, and the effect the death has had on his family.’ At this point viewers with HD would have been able to see the smallest drop of drool emerging from Jeremy’s mouth, and the words ‘Pure Gold’ dancing around his voice box.

The situation seems to have reached the peak of its ridiculousness with the revelation that the BBC,in an attempt to stay impartial, has decided not to screen an appeal for support from the Disasters Emergency Committee.

This was highlighted by an insightful comment from Tony in Windsor: ‘In deciding not to broadcast this appeal the BBC may have, unwittingly, given the appeal much greater publicity.’

So there we have it: the public is now only being made aware of the plight of human beings, when they are mentioned incidentally as part of a discussion about journalistic integrity. Marvellous!

Apparently the BBC have had enough with sending their reporters on ridiculous errends to report on bizarre quasi news stories, and have instead left it to a camera man and a young boy to tell the world about this admirable chicken laying an egg the size of a very small ostrich egg.

Seems they could have at least added some music to the eggsellent little item (he he!).

Or even brought back some of their Gaza reporters, at least this camera man was actually allowed into the School!

Yeah but could Obama defend the world from an Alien horde?

I read on the guardian.co.uk site that the guy who had a key part in writing Obama's inauguration speech is a 27 year old speech writing prodigy. Apparently John Favreau researched for months, not only Obama's speech patterns, but 'interviewed historians and speech writers, studied periods of crisis, and listened to past inaugural orations.'

But I have evidence that in typical 20 something style, Fav put off writing the thing until the last minute, and at the last minute, went to a modern classic for some inspiration.




Hmmmmm